Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Philosophy’ Category

Some of us are hot. Some of us are smart. A very few of us are both hot and smart. I know someone in that last category. I met him a few weeks ago, for obvious reasons, not the least of which is he would kill me if I were to do so. He is hawt as hell, probably one of the most beautiful boys I have ever personally met. I saw some photographs of him and he has one of the most amazing bodies I have ever seen. If I were still shooting porn, I would have immediately gotten out my checkbook to get him in front of my camera.

I wont say his name here (also for obvious reasons) and for many reasons, we are friends quietly and my interaction with him is mostly done under assumed names and aliases. This is necessary because he has appearances to keep up and I am the sort of person who sinks careers and destroys business ventures just by virtue of association. I have spent a fair amount of time talking to him and I enjoy his friendship and conversation. I would be lying if I said I did not find him attractive, but I also know it will only ever will be friendship, for he is married and he and I would never work in that way. In the past, I have been bad about avoiding fucking my friends, so this is an exercise in self control. He is one of the smartest people I know and my knowing him and the conversations we have  as a result have caused no small amount of self reflection.

He is hot and smart and unlike many hot guys (smart or not), he doesn’t flaunt it. He’ll take the compliments and he doesn’t mind the attention and will even bask in it, but he doesn’t feel the need to remind you of the fact that he is hotter than you at every chance. Such an approach to life is refreshing, I must admit. Nothing is worse than somebody who is hot and knows it. So this article is not about me fawning over him or putting him on a pedestal and dressing him up. Its about my self-reflection and musings on the title: what if I were hot?

Everyone has a few things going for them and a few against them. One of the gifts I have is the ability to give myself honest self appraisals. Doing so has lead me to the following determination: I am smart. Not an opinion held by just me, even most of my enemies admit this freely when they are being candid in their thoughts about me. People who like you will often patronize you and tell you what they think you want to hear or what will get them what they want. If you want to know how you are really projecting yourself or how you are come off, then ask someone who hates you. Be prepared, you may not like what you hear, but then again, that’s probably why you are enemies.

But while I am smart, I am enough of a realist to know that I am not hot. Well, there is one truck driver I met at The Finishline from somewhere out in Indiana who thinks I am hot. I got drunk one night really bad and wound up swallowing his cock. I was so drunk that before that night was over, I’d get arrested, have three criminal charges filed against me and wake up in the hospital tied to a bed and being forcibly treated after lapsing into a coma at the county jail. So I have to say that the trucker finding me hot was an isolated incident.

I am not cute – but what if I was? The guy I talked about at the start of this article is hot and smart and he has a wonderful middle class life. Does he have it because of his looks? Do I not have it because of my looks? This is the million dollar question, to be certain. I have wondered about this early and often. He is just as direct and in your face as I am and when he thinks something stinks, he says so. Only he says fuck you with a smile, and I say “fuck you” aloud when the time comes. This is a difference between us, but when you look right at it and compare the way he approaches things and the way I approach stuff, we are not all that different. He is extremely manipulative and self-focused, as am I. We are both focused on money, success and power. Yet with all these similarities, he has the life and I do not. While he will tell you his not rich, he has it going on. He makes money while he sleeps and he can go out on the town every night of the week and not blink. By contrast, I have a half a dozen corporations in bankruptcy and a personal life in disaster.

If I were hot, would I have the kind of life I want? Would I have his life? Sometimes I think it all boils down to looks in our community. Most homosexuals will tell you its not a choice to be gay. I disagree with this, I think for some people it is a choice and I think others they are born that way. But we all know that we cannot control the way we look, at least not without much plastic surgery. In a community that screams for equality because we cannot change who we are, why would I be excluded from the community because of my looks. I know I am slightly more abrupt than he is, which may be what holds me back in life. While he just gives the fuck you smile, I put it into words. Perhaps that subtle difference is what separates us.

Who knows. I am pretty sure that my looks are not the only thing holding me back. There are plenty of popular ugly people in our community. Yet there are also plenty of popular assholes in our community. So what gives? Perhaps I am just cursed. These are the kind of thoughts that keep me up at 2 AM in the morning, watching Logo and Queer as Folk re-runs posting on my blog that no one reads or cares about.

Today is set to be a busy day as I do more errands than I have done all year in a single day. Yet I can’t sleep, I don’t want to sleep and I just want to sit here and be miserable. I want to sit here and think about how my life has been a complete failure. I am keenly aware of the fact that I am 28 years old, in two years my life will be over (as every faggot’s life ends at 30) and while I am doing the things successful fags do, I dont feel it. I don’t feel successful. I am not happy. I am not where I want to be in life. I have no plan to get there. Today should be a good day, for it marks my burial of a hatchet with someone. But I don’t feel it. More than anything, I want a nice, stiff drink. Looks like I am going to be having booze for breakfast – again.

Despite the fact that I have spent more than a thousand words writing about it, I really don’t care. Why should I? I am cursed. I am doomed to suffer in this life. Maybe next time, I will be a cute little faggot that everyone wants.

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

Three Cheers for Lazy, Good for Nothing People

These are the kind of blog posts that make my phone ring right after they are posted. Usually, the person calling me tells me I am alienating support, dividing the community and so on. Well, anyone who knows me a little bit knows that if I think something needs said, I’m gonna say it and I don’t really care who it pisses off. Its pretty much become my trademark. It keeps me from getting invited to alot of fancy shindigs and keeps me off a good many holiday card mailing lists. Oh well, less holiday cards means trees saved anyway.

But I am not here to be Mr. Popular. I’m not running for Man of the Year. And I haven’t been nominated for Mr. Nice Guy, the last time I checked. I am a 27-year old gay man who lives in a state where too many of its inhabitants would rather see me dead, which routinely elects officials to office who feel I am not even human and have a government that on all levels wants to deny my rights at every turn.

So it may come as a massive earth-shattering surprise to some people that I don’t quantify my existence by a measure other than how many people like me – or if Mr. High and Mighty who sits on the Board (or owns) of whatever Gay, Inc. establishment happens to be most revered at the moment – likes me or thinks I am a great guy or whatever.

Could it be that maybe, just maybe, I am the way I am because I think its whats going to get my desired results? Maybe I have a different idea about how things should be done. And since we’ve tried it their way for what, the last 2,000 or so years, maybe we could try something new and see if it works better that way? Yeah, maybe thats it.

A Kick in the Ass

The other night, I had a wonderful conversation with a man from Jackson, Mississippi. Every once in a while I have an interaction with someone who makes me think that what I do is worthwhile. That perhaps, despite the mental and emotional toll it takes on me (and yes, it is taxing) maybe what I do actually accomplishes something and is somehow worthwhile. So who is this person? Well, his name is James Paul Johnson. He is a transgendered man. He and I share a few things, one of them is the fact that we firmly believe in moving gay rights in our respective geographical areas forward. We talked extensively about the topics and ideals covered in this post.

While Mississippi and Oklahoma are hundreds of miles apart from each other, there are many commonalities. If you’re sitting in someplace like Chicago or San Francisco or New York City this post may not resonate with you that much. It might be hard to see things from my vantage point. In such areas, when something needs to be organized or gotten done, its relatively easy to make it happen. You get people together, you talk about it, make a plan of attack and put it into play. Cities built in days, mountains moved in minutes. No sweat.

STP: Same Ten People

Paul Thompson, the former co-chair of OKC Pride, Inc. did not see eye to eye with me on a great many things. He is an older man from a different time and a bygone era. But he is intelligent and while somewhat annoying at times, there are some things that he gets that few others manage to. One such thing was a philosophy he shared with me one time which he called “STP”. It stands for Same Ten People.

He was basically saying that everything that needed to be done in our area – if it got done – was done by the same ten people. It was the same ten people who sit on all the boards, make all the efforts, show up to all the meetings and by and large do everything. What we did not talk about is the fact that the STP also get very set in their ways and sometimes tend to exclude when they should include. For obvious reasons, this is undesirable when you are trying to advocate for civil rights. Because ten people simply cannot do it all. It takes far more than ten, or twenty or fifty or a hundred folks. It takes everyone, working together at the same time and from the same page to make some things happen.

The Sarah Palin Connection

So I recently decided to picket Sarah Palin’s book signing in Norman. I did it not because I disagree with her right to sell her book or even out of a personal hatred for her. I do not like the woman, that much I do admit. I did it because I know she is getting ready to run for the White House in 2012 and I don’t want to see that. Her views on homosexuality offend me and I have every confidence that she would use her office to represent her right-wing wacko constituents exclusively.

Almost immediately, I start getting messages and phone calls and “encouragement” from folks to not do this event. I was informed that “the community” (whoever the fuck that is – oh I’ll get to this little gem in a minute) had decided that it would be best if we did not respond to Palin and give her attention. Some Democrats want to let her think she has a clear shot at the oval office so that she runs and loses, allowing a re-election of Barack Obama to be a slam dunk. They are afraid that my little rally may discourage her from running.

I’m not going to get into whether or not another four years of Obama would be a good thing or a bad thing here. But what I am going to ask is this: so fucking what? Sarah Palin is a snake in the grass. She is a terrible person with terrible morals. She is a homophobe and she has shown by her speech and actions that she is incapable of representing all of her constituents fairly and equally. Its imperative that every elected official represent all of their constituents – yes, even the ones who are gay – equally. I don’t want her in my White House and I think I have good reason not to.

The bottom line is that these are my civil rights that they either want to play political football with or are too lazy to defend, depending on whether we are talking about the do nothing and good for nothing crowd or the let Obama have a cake walk crowd. Its inappropriate and its insulting to think that I should just sit down, shut up and go along with it. Rather than support me in potentially sparing our nation from having a Sally Kern clone in the White House, they’d rather shout me down.

Déjà Vu

Of course, this would not be the first time I have had to deal with headaches created by those who should be helping organize rather than being an obstruction. My very first experiences with rocking the boat in Oklahoma City gay politics was when I heard that the creeps at Westboro Baptist Church were going to picket Moore High School. I started calling around to see who was going to counter-protest and I was shocked to hear that there was no protest, it had been decided it would be best to ignore WBC and not give them attention.

Well, thankfully the order to stay home – which was originally issued by people connected to Cimmaron Alliance Foundation on information and belief – was ignored and there was a HUGE counter protest. While my video does not do it justice, there were about 2,000 people there from all walks of life to condemn it. I was elated. I talked to all of the media there – including the state newspaper – The Daily Oklahoman. Which is why I was shocked that there was no coverage in the Daily Oklahoman about the issue. Not a single item. The rest of the media was silent on the subject as well. I attributed that to the fact that its a bigot-owned newspaper and at an Oklahoma Gay and Lesbian Political Caucus (OGLPC) meeting I was at, I brought this up and demanded that we as a group write a letter chastising the Oklahoman for not covering what was obviously a newsworthy event. OGLPC voted to approve the letter and send it.

When it wasn’t printed as well, I started asking around. I found out that the chair of that organization – Paul Thompson, ordered the Secretary – Victor Gorin (who is a reporter for Metro Star – the regional gay newspaper) – not to send the letter. The reason? Because The Daily Oklahoman was in on the media blackout with the Cimmaron Alliance assholes and they didn’t want to upset the apple cart. I was livid and resigned my membership in that organization, but not before I had choice words for all involved. Victor and I are still friends as I realize he was in a tough position and made a call to follow an order from a chair and he did report his actions voluntarily so its not like he was hiding it.

Shortly after the Moore High School diabolical, I decided it was time for some changes to be made at OKC Pride, Inc. To make a long story short (you can read the only version of the story over on Gossip Boy – here, here, here, here, here and here.), I found myself being cannibalized by my own gay community and hung out to dry. I eventually resigned that organization as well and wrote it off its prospects for reform and being made useful as hopeless.

The point is this: where I come from, silence is consent. This is a principle of parliamentary law and I believe in it. It means that if you see something going on around you and you don’t speak up in oppositions, then you are deemed to be content with whats going on. Its a fair assumption to make. If you allow something to take place with your knowledge and you say nothing, then you may as well be apart of doing it yourself.

Well, there are some things I wont be a party to. Knowingly undermining gay rights is one of them.

I’ve Wanted to Run Away

At the time the Pride diabolical happened, I wanted to run away. I was scared, hurt and angry all at the same time. I seriously considered moving out of state and changing my name as well as a variety of other cowardly options. Thankfully, I did none of the above. I am a fighter and I don’t give up. I am not used to not having my way and I see no point being a quitter now. As I look back on that incident, I have decided that what does not kill me will make me stronger. I am more effective, more efficient and more useful to myself, others and my causes because of what I have been through.

Lets Clear This Up Right Now

In Oklahoma City, Oklahoma: there is no gay community. There never has been, there isn’t now and its fair to wonder if there ever will be. What we have instead are hundreds and maybe even thousands of gay people who refuse to do anything for their community that does not involve drinking alcohol. Its hard to get more than a handful to agree on anything and even harder to get more than the STP to show up to a meeting. Regardless of who the cause is or who called the meeting. One of the most respected leaders of this community once remarked to me how hard it was to get folks out even to meetings that are called by this person.

If Richard Ogden (he is the head of Cimmaron Alliance – which I have nothing but contempt for) came to me today and said “Keith, lets change the condition of things here. Real change. No buddies, no holds barred, lets make it happen.” my response would be “Richard, where do I sign on?”. But thats not the way it is here. There are a good number of folks here who simply wont work together no matter what the cause is because of petty disagreements and personal opinions.

Until we get people who are willing to work together for common goals and learn the art of compromise, then we don’t have a gay community. We have a bunch of gay folks who happen to leave somewhat close to each other who meet for drinks. Thats a drinking club, dinner club or social club. Its not a community by any stretch.

If You Don’t Want to Get Involved

If you are one of those people who never wants to get involved but always wants to complain, I’ve got two words for you: fuck you. Stay home. Bitch from your easy chair. Send messages to your friends and encourage them to take your non-researched position on the issue. Do whatever it is that you do that has not done a single god-damned thing for anyone, anywhere at anytime. While you are being a useless bump on a log, I will be out fighting for my rights and by extension yours too.

Quite frankly, I am tired to the traditional Gay, Inc. approach of slow and steady with my civil rights. I want them now, I want them all and I am willing to fight for them right here and right now. I personally don’t want to get married right now, hell, I don’t even have a boyfriend right now. But I would like to have that opinion open to me in the future should I wish to. So gay marriage is an issue that I am concerned about and I feel entitled to comment and take a position on it, which I have done in previous notes.

Yes, you bet I am young, dumb and full of hell fire. I’m impatient and I am demanding. People who wait for good things to come to them will likely be waiting a while. We make our own luck in life. If you’re not actively looking out for your interests, how can you expect others to do so?

I’m Not Always Right – I’ll Listen to Others

Lets be clear, I’m not always right. Not by a long shot. But at least I am doing something to try and make my corner of the world better. Even if its the wrong thing. And I’d rather do the wrong thing than do nothing at all.

Another important note to make is the fact that I will listen to opinions expressed by other folks who also put themselves out there. People like Brittany Novotny, who constantly give of themselves personally, professionally and politically to try and change. I wont always agree with their decision or position, but I will respect them for it and you can bet that when they have something to say about something I am doing, I am going to find the time to listen and carefully consider what they say.

The Bottom Line

I’m going to hold my events and I’m not going away anytime soon. And even if I do go to Boston as discussed, I’ll still be here on a regular basis. If you aren’t out there trying to make a contribution to our struggle, don’t come and yell at me about how I am doing it all wrong. If you have constructive criticism, then please offer it – constructively. If you want to help, then by all means get involved. If you don’t know how to help, then ask. If you respectfully disagree, then do so respectfully. But if you just want to bitch and moan, call someone who cares.

Because we as a species need to get our act together. Right here and right now.

Read Full Post »

Questions, Questions

What is the purpose of a human life? Does it have meaning? If so, when, how and under what conditions? Can you make your life mean more? Are there people whose existence is completely meaningless? Can life be wasted? How do you discover the purpose of your life? How do you achieve your purpose?

No, I’m not looking to take away Plato’s glory by asking such questions nor is this post an announcement that I’m breaking into the business of writing self-help or philosophy books. But most thinking people who are not brain dead or mentally defective have contemplated at least a couple of these at one point or another.

I have contemplated them all and here is what I have come up with.

The Purpose of Life

Life does have meaning if you give it such. Some people live their entire lives and in the end, their life has been meaningless. Unimportant. Insignificant. Just another dead body pushing up daisys somewhere in death, after consuming oxygen and excreting waste in life. Having lived and died, the earth is no different post-mortem than it was pre-birth. So it is possible to waste your life. So what makes a life have significance and meaning?

I submit that life has meaning when the life in question changes its environment in some lasting way for better or worse during its presence. To qualify, the change must last beyond the expiration of the life in some way and it must affect more than just the life in question. The change need not be earth shattering, make headlines around the world or go down in the history books. There are plenty of unsung contributors to our culture that give us the environment to exist within that we have today.

Furthermore, I submit this is done by the process which I call making a mark.

Making a Mark

One makes his mark on the world by undertaking a series of choices – usually (but not always) conscious ones – to bring about a certain desired outcome. It is true that some people make marks quite by accident. Its possible to make more than one mark, too. This being the case, usually the largest marks one makes are the result of deliberate planning and intentional undertakings.

Case in Point: Adolf Hitler

Come on, you didn’t think I was going to choose a non-controversial character like Mother Theresa, did you? If you did, shame on you! Thats not my style and you should know better. Hitler made several marks on his world and they lasted long after his expiration. His biggest mark is the pools of blood he left in his wake, the result of quite deliberate actions. But one mark he made – most likely without intending to even do so – is to become the poster-child for those who oppose dictatorships and fascism as legitimate or desirable forms of governance. Hitler’s other accomplishments or marks are numerous as they are ghastly.

Hitler was one of the first to do to homosexuals what many desired and thought about doing at the time but had the good sense not to undertake. He certainly did it on a grand scale, too. You can learn more than you likely wanted to know on this topic by clicking here.

Making My Marks

Will – after all is said and done – I make my mark? I think I will. I am pretty damn determined not to live a pointless life. But I guess we wont know for sure, until after I am dead. So if anyone reads this after I have passed. Stop and think about it: did I change the world in any way that extends beyond my death? Might be a good time to think about what you are going with your life, too. What will you be remembered for? Anything?

Read Full Post »